The Jacket

How can anybody have such a bad day--this was my worst.
I challenge you: Have you had a worse day?

It all started out so simply--with such good intentions...I sort of had a little bug. A flu thing. I didn’t think it was a big deal or anything.

I had this experiment I wanted to try while riding. The weather had gotten very cold—and my feet were really getting frozen. I had this one pair of riding shoes that I liked—not the regular racing shoes—slip on jobs. The problem was that they were just too large to fit any standard neoprene booties. So I had what I thought was a great idea—and thus necessitate the need for “The Experiment”.

I was trying to find some kind of a waterproof bootie wanna-be that would fit over these huge slip on riding shoes. One of the knuckleheads at the REI cycle department suggested dipping the shoes in liquid rubber (the kind you mark your tool handles with) an even dumber solution then my solution.

I remember seeing (on TV) those black rubber slip on booties that men used to wear in the 50’s when it was raining and they covered their wing tip shoes. Seemed like a great idea—they were big—thick and waterproof. It took forever to find a pair of these ugly ducklings. Apparently only 80 year old questionably fashion challenged men are still looking for them—so there isn’t a huge demand. Once I found them—I cut out the bottom to reveal the cleat slipped them over the cycle shoes—batta bing, batta boom—I thought this was pretty easy. Ready to try them out.

I figured that to really make this experiment more interesting I would add a few layers of complexity. I wore very thin sock layers, covered by thick wool socks. To make this even more interesting I decided to stick on a chemical heater pad (the same kind used for the hands) on the feet between the sock layers. I suited up cracked the chemical seal—put the shoes (with their ugly booties on) and began the ride to the Seattle ferry terminal.

Despite the flu-bug thing--on that short ride my feet felt fabulous! I was thinking that this idea was looking pretty good. Once on the boat it was time to get rid of all that coffee in my system. There wasn’t a shelf available anyplace I could see—so I set my helmet down in the nearest sink—unfortunately it was fitted with one of those infra-red sensors which turn on water as you approach. With the helmet cover over on—it acted exactly like a large salad bowl. Once I dumped all of the water out—I tried using the electric hand dryer do dry out the insides—but that didn’t work at all—and the looks I was getting from the guys in the men’s room was something else. I decided to bag it—and just wear the wet helmet.

Once on the Island everything was fine—for about five minutes. There was some kind of a temperature inversion and it got really cold—and very damp. Just then the bottom part of the zipper of my jacket opened up from the bottom. The zipper had screwed up and I looked like a circus clown riding with this jacket opened from the wrong end. I kept messing around with it—kept riding—and kept fighting it. By this time I was far enough from the ferry terminal that turning back wasn’t an option—I told myself “screw it!” and opened up the jacket all the way. At least it wasn’t bunching up around my face and driving me crazy. By this time I was really getting very cold. It was around this time that I realized that I had a fever and I was pretty sick—at about the same time my feet were starting to feel very strange. The rubber booty / sock heater experiment was running it’s course and we now were in phase 2—the phase where your feet are so warm (from the cycling and the heat and the insulation from the multiple pairs of socks) that they were starting to sweat profusely. Bad news was that the thick rubber booties were not even a little breathable. So from a start of having toasty feet to phase 3, where my feet are freezing took only a few minutes.

By this time I am approaching the total miserable state. The wet helmet, wet cold feet, broken jacket zipper and flu fever was starting to rage. Just then my iPOD battery died. I said screw it—I was going to phone someone on my cell phone to come and get me—but there was no service where I was. Arrrgh!

By the time I did make it around the Island and back to the boat all I could think of was getting this diabolical jacket returned to REI ASAP. I couldn’t stand the thought of looking at it.

The next morning at REI the salesman—looked at the jacket and showed me that the zipper actually didn’t have one of those bottom openers (that I had thought & assumed it did) All you needed to do was to reinsert the metal into the holster—and it was OK. I was so pissed—off that I hadn’t had the presence of mind to see it the day before. I have to assume that the fever I had clouded my judgment—but brother—did I ever feel stupid.